GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
