so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
