i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize