i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's shark week go big or go home
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
