took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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