He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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