Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
