so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
