the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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