The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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