One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
