Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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