Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
be right there i have to get my cape
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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