my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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