i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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