I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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