we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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