I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
