I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
