this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
