I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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