i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
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