I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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