i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
