Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
