I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
