I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
