I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
