Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
