Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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