so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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