i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
