Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
