i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
