Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
