Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
