Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
