i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
