I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
