I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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