do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
