I didn't shave. On purpose
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
