The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
