the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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