May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
