just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize