exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
