He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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