We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
