I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
