is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
