I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
