I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
