If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize