I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
